Love, Hate, Porn and Sex

My love/hate relationship with porn continues, although lately almost all I've been watching is either kinky or amateur.

I've been thinking about a number of porn related issues. I don't edit myself much on here, so forgive me if I ramble a little (or a lot) while I "think out loud".

Lately, I've been overly obsessed with penis size, and I've included my wife in the obsession. She admitted that larger penises are a turn-on for her, at least visually in the porn pics and vids I've shown her. In real life, she's only been with three other guys, all of whom had much smaller penises than mine. But she's admitted that she might enjoy a bigger penis more and that she finds the idea exciting. Which turns me on, probably too much!

I've asked her several times to imagine a bigger dick inside her. I've even asked her to make fun of my dick! She's played along and had fun with it. I had her tell me: "stroke your little dick while you think about a big dick, fucking me deeper than you ever could, filling me up and satisfying me completely" and "make your little dick cum quick, bitch!" That was while I was kissing her ass and fucking her feet. And yes, I came right away!

I've prompted her to say mean things about my penis, like "why is it so small?"; "don't you wish you had a real dick like a real man and not a little prick like a little boy?"; "is it in? I can't feel anything.". We've pretended she has a "superior" boyfriend with a bigger dick, and that she's going to make me suck his big dick off and bend over for him in front of her! Basically, I'd pleasure him whenever she didn't feel like it, and I would submit to both of them all the time. And my "little pee pee" would be forever locked up in chastity! It's fun, but I've noticed that I don't feel great after cumming while we're playing those games. And I worry that she may take it too much to heart and start thinking less of my cock, and/or wanting to try a big dick for real.

I should probably be glad that so far she's refused to try any of our dildos, most of which are larger than my penis, inside herself.

I think these urges are because I haven't felt that great about myself lately. I haven't been successful at work, despite working harder than ever, and I haven't been working out as much (because of working too much). I feel weak and fat. Inferior. And the specifics are all things I've seen in porn, or variations on things I've seen in porn.

Like a lot of guys, the prevalence of well-hung guys in porn (not to mention the tricks they use to make the cocks look bigger), make me feel a little inadequate. In reality, my cock is 6.5" long, and 5" around. It's 1.75 inches across. All of the women I've been with have seemed to genuinely love it and almost all of them told me it was big, either the biggest they'd been with or one of the biggest. I have to buy larger size condoms. But I look at myself in the mirror and my dick looks tiny to me. I'm sure if I slimmed down it would look big again. When I was younger and super fit, I got super horny just looking at my body in a full length mirror! I know another trick is to trim the pubes...

Anyway, but all that's pretty dumb. I feel like I'm playing with fire for no good reason. My wife loves me, and I love her. Her libido is down, but that probably has everything to do with her overloaded work schedule and nothing to do with my penis!

I really have NOTHING to complain about, either. In a typical week, I'll have sex with my wife 4-5 times, including one session with penetration, a blowjob or two, and once or twice kissing her ass. Usually I make her cum with my mouth/hands once or twice a week, which is all she wants.

Yesterday morning, she gave me a blowjob. After I started fingering her pussy, she sat on my face. She sat up and stroked me instead of sucking. She pressed a lot of her weight onto my face, and fucked my tongue really hard. Her gorgeous ass cheeks were the only thing I could see and my nose was wedged firmly in between them. I smelled her ass with every breath! It only took 15-30 seconds of this before I wanted to cum. I put my hands on her shoulders; she took the hint and put her mouth on me, catching all my cum in her mouth and holding me there until I finished cumming completely. Awesome!

On Saturday night, I gave her a massage, then licked and fingered her to several orgasms. She was tired, so instead of strapping on a dildo and fucking me, as she'd said she wanted to do, she selected a big one and "made me" suck it while she talked shit to me. I had my dick in my trusty fleshlight flight. She said if she had a real dick, she'd always make me swallow. She told me to deepthroat her big cock and to "cum like a bitch" with a man-sized dick deep in my mouth. In just a few minutes, I did! And I felt just fine after the orgasm, maybe because she had told me she loved my cock and there was no mention of boyfriends or other things like that.

About 10 days before, I'd dominated her, slapping and spanking her (both of which she loves), fucking her face and then cumming with my cock balls-deep in her ass! I finally taught her how to prepare her own ass for anal, by using glass plugs (small, medium, and finally one the same girth as my cock), or course with plenty of lube. It was a turn-on watching her get her ass ready, and it went faster than when I do it. Next time, she's going to get herself ready before we play.

I hope that will happen in a week or two. I know she also wants to fuck me, which will be awesome, too. I've really got it made, haven't I? :)

I pretty much wasted a lot of money on a couple of expensive 'marital aids' recently, but I think I've finally learned my lesson. I've fallen victim to the temptation of "retail therapy" a lot over the years. Maybe it's also because of feelings of inferiority. Lately, I realized that buying stuff doesn't make me happy. In fact, it makes me feel worse after I realize that the expensive thing I just wasted my money on isn't as great as I'd hoped.

Cases in point: in the past month, I bought a SpareParts Duo harness, which is a strapon harness with two holes (one for my cock, the other for a dildo, for double penetration), and also I bought the Vamp Talula dildo (I got the large 7" X 2" version). I like both the items, but I'm no more satisfied than I was before I bought them. I don't know if my wife would ever go for double penetration, or it I'd really like it anyway. As for the dildo, it's pretty cool, but it wasn't worth $100+ and it isn't even the color I thought I was ordering. I thought "mocha" was lighter, but it's pretty much African, which means she'll probably never want to use it. Oh well. It's fun to play with solo, and if I've finally learned my lesson about retail therapy, it's all OK.

So less porn, less retail therapy and more love/lust with my wife. I think that's a GREAT plan.