Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it

I have two guys wanting to give me blowjobs this week. Which will I choose? Or will I choose neither?

I met them on my favorite BDSM site. I made two profiles there. One is a dominant guy who wants to get his dick sucked. The other is a submissive guy who wants to give a guy a blowjob. They are both me! I mean, I have both desires. I put a lot of time and attention into the dominant profile, and just dashed off the submissive one. I think that's because I'm more turned on by being dominant, and would be more likely to actually follow through on a connection there.

I had exactly one hookup from that site, about a year ago. I was the Oral Submissive. It was very exciting to fantasize about before it happened, but my dick just didn't stay hard while it was going on - I just wasn't that turned on, and neither was he. I don't blame him for that. He was a nice-looking, nice-smelling, nice-tasting guy in his 20s. A couple of inches taller than me, and many pounds heavier, but not really fat, just big.

He had a dominant profile on the site (with a cock pic that looked huge) and had responded when I contacted him, offering to suck his cock submissively. He played the dominant part perfectly. He came in, told me to lead him to the bedroom (which I did), pulled down his pants, pushed me to my knees and put his dick in my mouth. I sucked a real cock for the first time in about 14 years.

He was rock hard, and seemed to like the blowjob. His cock felt thick in my mouth, but not as long as I'd expected. I deepthroated him easily, and found I couldn't get anywhere close to gagging on him unless I pushed my head down on him beyond just reaching his balls/stomach with my lips. He had about 3/4" of fat pad, maybe more. When I pushed myself all the way down, the tip of his cock barely went into my throat, maybe 1/2". When I suck on our smallest dildo, GoodFella, it actually goes farther into my throat, so I'm guessing his cock - bone pressed (more on that later) - was something like 5" or 5.25" long. At the time, I was in a fairly deep submissive state, and I believed his cock was much longer, because that's what I wanted to believe. It was thick, though.

He wasn't in very good shape. I got the impression he didn't exercise much. After about 10 minutes, he seemed tired and his cock started getting soft. He ended up jacking off until he was about to cum, and then I took him in my mouth and held him there for something like 60 seconds, until he completely finished cumming. Then just like in a porn movie, I showed him the huge load of cum in my mouth (it tasted good!), and swallowed it enthusiastically while looking him in the eye.

He wanted me to jack off for him, but I just wasn't aroused. My cock was limp and tiny. I hated that!

He left and I immediately fucked the Fleshlight and sucked a dildo (probably the Dream Dick) until I came. The smell of him (mainly his cologne) was on my arms, and his I got off on that. A drop of his cum had fallen onto the comforter, and it had a surprisingly strong smell. I breathed in those scents, and sucked a big dildo, and finally came. After I came, I wondered why I had done this. I felt a little guilty, despite having a green light from my wife to do exactly this.

Mainly, it bothered me that it hadn't turned me on that much. On a 1-10 scale of arousal, I was at about a 3, about the same as I get when I watch a porn movie I don't much like. Why was I so NOT turned on? Maybe because I'm not submissive? But I do get off on submitting to my wife, even if I don't feel that great about it afterwards.

So maybe it was because I don't like guys that much, or just didn't like this guy. I don't like that many guys. Maybe 1 in 100 truly turn me on, and it's been years since I felt submissively attracted to a guy. For me to consider submitting to a guy, he has to be an unusual combination of masculine/dominant in personality, and somewhat feminine (or at least androgynous) in face and body. And have a nice cock.

So why am I thinking of hooking up with a guy (or guys) again? Well, maybe it's different if I'm in the dominant role. One of the guys who wants to suck my dick is in his mid 20s, 7" shorter than me, thin, cute, very submissive, and says he has a little dick (4.5"). He's eager to suck me off and swallow, and have me dominate him verbally and abuse his cock & balls a little - ASAP. In his communications, he grovels (which is both amusing and arousing). I know I'd control him completely. The other guy is a little older, taller than me and in better shape. He's a regular guy, working and also in school. Just wants to suck a dick, and maybe find someone to suck off on a regular basis.

I'm leaning towards the older, cooler guy. Mainly because he seems like someone I could be friends with, and do other stuff with besides blowjobs. But the other guy would be more playful and fun. And he's already given me his address and says he'll blow me there anytime I want in the next 3 days. Says he will swallow. Hehe!

It's boring as hell, even to me, but I'm feeling bad about my cock again. I found I was camera shy when I took a cock selfie a few days ago. I didn't stay hard long enough to get a shot of my fully-erect cock with a ruler next to it. I plan to try again tomorrow. After almost 2 weeks of being together almost all day and night, my wife and I will both leave the house for work tomorrow. But I just have one meeting first thing in the morning, and she'll be at the office all day at least 3-4 days this week. I can spare an hour to try and get a good measured shot of my cock.

I just learned about the difference between the "bone-pressed" and "non-bone-pressed" cock measurement techniques. I haven't actually measured my cock that much until recently, and when I measured it before, it was always bone-pressed, which means pushing the ruler into the body until it rests down on (or at least close to) the pubic bone, as opposed to just measuring from the base of the cock to the tip without pressing in at all. The difference between the two measurements is the "fat pad" that everyone has some of. I have more than I used to!

Measuring bone-pressed, sometimes I get 6.25", if I'm mostly aroused, or 6.5" if I'm completely aroused. I know I measured it even a little longer than that (6.75"?), years ago. In those days, I was fit and firm, and the difference between bone-pressed and non-bone-pressed would have been maybe 1/4". But today, I can now say my fat pad is about 3/4" thick, maybe a whole inch. I measured my non-bone pressed length at 5.5" with maximum arousal. If I'm just mostly aroused, it's 5.25". Yikes. That sounds like a small penis to me!

Having sex with my wife this morning, I again experienced small dick feelings and fantasies. I wanted to try another position to see if she could cum with my cock inside her, and the position I wanted to try was reverse cowgirl, with her lying flat on top of me. I knew I could easily stimulate her with my hands in that position.

Just one problem: my cock wouldn't stay in her. It didn't go that deep in regular reverse cowgirl, and when she leaned back, it came right out, which made me feel tiny. She laughed about it! I said something about this is why I wish my cock was bigger, and she said it was OK, she just wanted me to cum. I had already made her cum with my fingers and tongue, several times, in her usual position: on her back with her legs together. I told her I wanted her to cum with my cock inside her, that I got off more on that than I did on actually cumming myself.

She liked that, and said she'd try. I could tell she was humoring me, that she had had enough sex already and wanted to get up and do other things. She just wanted me to basically masturbate with my cock inside her, which frankly, is what's usually happening when we do penetration. Lately, I've become interested in making it a more shared experience - I REALLY get off on the idea of her cumming with my cock in her pussy (!) - and this morning was the second session in a row where we tried to make it happen. Last time, she said she came, but it wasn't much of an orgasm.

One of the many things I'm thankful for is that no woman has ever said that to me.

This time, my brilliant idea of a perfect position was a total FAIL. I think for that position to work, I would need an 8" cock, or my wife and I would both need to have a lot less padding. Instead, she rolled over onto her side and I put my cock in her again. This worked better, but my cock still felt small. I think I had 2-3 inches actually inside her. It's so frustrating that I can easily reach her cervix with my finger (she likes just one finger, two she finds uncomfortable), but I can only just barely reach it with my fucking cock (no pun intended!), and only with me on top and her legs spread wide. This was never a problem with previous partners! Not that I can remember, anyway.

She only cums with her legs tightly together, so I encouraged her to touch herself while I slowly fucked her, and to squeeze my cock tight. She seemed to like it, but not really that much. When she squeezed my cock, it felt good, but I also wasn't even as deep inside her as I had been.

The Noches Latinas 8" Realistic Cock. This is what "big" means.

I started feeling submissive. I told her I wanted to see her put a really big dildo inside herself. I reached in the cabinet beside the bed and pulled out the very realistic, and very BIG, Noches Latinas 8" cock. It's actually 7.75" long, and just under 6" around; according to this site, it's bigger than somewhere between 99.3% and 99.9% of actual penises. Being a dildo, there's no such thing as "bone-pressed", and it's always "erect". It always looks just as big as it actually is. Huge.

I almost managed to keep my cock in her pussy as I stretched to pull the massive cock out of the cabinet. I put it in her hand, and asked her what she thought of it. She smiled and said "Mmmmm!". She stroked it lovingly. I asked her if she would like to feel that all the way inside her. "Yes! But - not today." Feeling very subby, I asked her if she'd put it in her soon. To please me, I said. She promised to put it in her very soon. I'm excited by the thought, but also I kind of wish I hadn't suggested it!

She asked if I wanted to see a real cock that big inside her. I was a little shocked by the question! I said, "In fantasy? Yes." She had stopped touching herself and my cock had slipped out and gone partially soft while we were talking. Watching the way she looked at the huge dildo, and the way she touched it, knowing she was imagining another man fucking her with his bigger dick, and feeling her ass on my now tiny-seeming cock made me fully hard again.

She guided me back in and started pushing her hips back into me, matching my thrusts. I went somewhat deeper inside her, but I knew the big dildo would go MUCH deeper. I knew it would go all the way into her, that she would have to stretch to take it all. I believed my cock felt very small to her. I imagined her cumming hard with that big dildo all the way inside her, and immediately, involuntarily imagined her cumming while an actual man with a big dick fucked her. I couldn't hold back. I came, and came, and came!

It felt good to cum inside my wife, but as usual when I'm thinking something submissive, I didn't feel good about myself after I finished cumming. I stayed in her a long time, and we kissed afterwards. We talked a little, and she said she didn't understand why I felt my cock was small. I pulled out the Noches Latinas 6", which is an identical, but smaller, version of the huge dildo she'd fondled while I fucked her. The 6" is almost exactly the same size I am (bone-pressed!): 6.5" long, 5.25" around. I put the two dildos side by side, and asked which she'd like to have inside her. Without hesitation, she grabbed the bigger one! I asked if she NOW knew why I thought my cock was small. She got it then ("Oh!"), but said it was a silly thing to obsess over. She said she was completely satisfied with my cock, and that she loved it, and that she didn't feel like she was missing out on anything.

I said, "But you do want to try that big cock, don't you? You're curious to know how it feels, and you know it could feel better than my cock feels, don't you?" Why did I ask these questions?! Call it my inner bitch, or my desire to please her, or whatever. I knew it was self-sabotage, and it made me (mentally) horny to do that to myself. She answered yes to both questions, again without hesitation!

I felt pretty rotten most of today. I went on the BDSM site while she chatted on the phone with a couple of her friends for a long time. I looked at a number of submissive guys' profiles, hoping one would send me a message. Instead, two of them did!

But I think I'll probably have mixed feelings if I go through with it with either of them, and I may not even be turned on enough to get off. I'm going to try to hook up with my wife every morning this week, and I hope I'll just be too drained to even consider "making" a submissive guy suck my cock.

It's a subject for another post, but it occurs to me that this is a good illustration of the way we actually work, versus the way we all think we work. We all think we decide what we want to do consciously, and then act on it. I learned years ago in a college class (psychology) that what actually happens is that we do what we want to do, and then, our conscious mind makes up a "story" to fit what we just did. This is what leads, sometimes, to that strange sensation of feeling like you're watching yourself do something. Have you ever had that sensation?

I've experienced it many times, and it's most often been connected to sex. That's pretty much how I felt as I "sold" my wife on fucking herself with an 8" dildo. I'm cool with watching myself do what I'm going to do this week. I'll blog all about it, including whatever narrative my conscious mind spins.

Stay tuned!