The submissive life

The last few weeks have been sexually unusual for me. More submission, more exploring my gay side, more thinking about what it means to be a Man...

I've learned I'm not as gay as I might have thought. I do find guys sexually exciting - in theory. But interacting with actual guys, I find, isn't that exciting. I'm sure that if I were actually having sex with men, it would be a lot more exciting. But despite my post to the contrary a few days ago, I would feel weird - wrong - if I had sex with anyone but my Goddess. Unless of course she makes me do it!

Which seems much more likely than it did a month ago! My Goddess has been encouraging me to explore my gay side. She told me the idea of my being dominated/abused/humiliated by superior men is a huge turn on for her! Other than kissing her ass a couple of days this week and some amazing, unexpected oral from her last weekend, I'm only allowed to cum this week if I have a dildo in my mouth (this one) and one in my ass (usually this one, yesterday for the first time, this one).

Dominant men turn me on, submissive men not at all. That's always been the case. Lately, I'm not turned on much by submissive females, either. But HUGELY turned on by dominant females. I think a lot of women can go either way on D/s. If the guy is a real stud - she submits. Beta male - she dominates him. Not all women. Some are submissive and could never convincingly dominate and some are just dominant. I think usually, I tend to arouse the submissive side in women when I first meet them. I usually come off as masculine, confident, strong. But lately, I feel like I'm so submissive others sense it right away and women who can go either way switch into domme mode. I'm not sure if that's a permanent change.

I'm also definitely more submissive in my desires lately. The beauty is, that's in line with my Goddess's desires. I like to think it's BECAUSE of my Goddess's desires, that she is shaping me into who she wants me to be and I am submitting to her will so much that her desires become my own!

And I'm seeing everything through a submissive lens. I watch a basketball game and it seems the players are competing to see who has the biggest cock, and that the winning team is going to have its way with the losing team (and/or its cheerleaders, girlfriends, etc). Of course I visualize myself as inferior to every player on the court. I wonder what it would be like to be orally and anally gangbanged by the whole team! I see a hot looking woman in the grocery store and I imagine myself on my knees in front of her (or behind her!), she with a whip in her hand and strapping a huge femdom cock! I'm involuntarily checking out guy's bulges. If I see a big bulge and the guy is attractive, I imagine being on my knees in front of him, him holding my head while he fucks my throat! Or bending me over and assfucking me! Or tying me up, having sex with my Goddess (her idea, of course) and both of them abusing me.

I do subscribe, at least somewhat, to the "substitution theory" of D/s (don't know if that's what other people call it), where people with too little control over their lives become dominant and those with too much become submissive. If the world pushes you around, you will want someone else to push around to even things out. That's the theory. It's true that as I become more successful in life, the more I want to be someone's bitch! Only now it seems like I'm ONLY turned on by people who want to dominate me and that's a change from even a few weeks ago, when I also got turned on by submissive women. But now I'm behaving more submissively in ALL my interactions and that that is creating a vicious cycle: people pick up on my submissive vibe and play the superior role. I love being a bitch in the bedroom but I don't want to be a bitch with, say, my boss, or at the car repair shop!!

We'll see what happens over the next few weeks...maybe it depends on what my Goddess wants!