Who's in charge here?

When I was 25, I played a one-on-one paintball game with a guy. I wouldn't quite call him a friend, more of an acquaintance. As we were suiting up, and double-checking our guns, he said some funny things.

He said he liked medieval and Roman history, and that he thought the practice of taking slaves as victory "booty" was a great idea that he wished that was still the custom today. He said that it was only right for the loser to become the property of the victor, and to have to do anything the victor wanted him to do - even sex, or whatever. At the time I thought his comments were just weird, that he was some kind of history geek or something.

This is what he wanted - maybe I should have given it to him!

I had only played paintball a few times; he said he had played it many, many times and was very good. It was his idea to play.

We played for a couple of hours. I "killed" him 5 times! He only even hit me once, and that was a glancing shot on my left shoulder, just a small yellow spot on my green fatigues. He had red paint all over his front, especially on the chest! I hadn't meant to, but apparently I also shot him a time or two in the crotch! I pointed it out to him and he said, "Yeah - what's that all about?!" He smirked when he said it, as if it was a private joke between us and both of us knew what it meant.

As we changed back into "civilian" clothes, he reminded me that if this was Roman or medieval times, he'd be my slave now. I laughed, and he joined in. He said, "Seriously, if I was your slave right now, what would you make me do?"

I jokingly said, "Pushups!" He dropped and did a bunch of pushups! He asked if there was anything else I wanted him to do, and I said no, with a laugh. It all just seemed silly to me, and slightly embarrassing.

What's funny is that I didn't realize what he really wanted to happen until a couple of months ago. I was reading my old journal, where I'd written about the experience, and it suddenly occurred to me that this guy wanted me to dominate him sexually! Seems obvious in retrospect, but at the time it just didn't occur to me.

I think the main reason I didn't get his submissive hints was that he simply didn't turn me on. I hardly ever find a guy attractive anyway, maybe one or two guys in a hundred, but I also didn't like him much as a friend. He was taller and fitter than me - and richer - and he was just too nice, always being deferential, never cursing, always smiling, never seeming real.

Also, I think, it didn't occur to me because in my kinky fantasies, and I think a lot of other people's as well, the taller, fitter guy would have to be the Dom, not the sub. Just as I believed the guy with the bigger dick had to be the Dom, and the guy with the smaller dick had to be the sub. And the taller, fitter guy would always have the bigger dick. That's the way I believed it worked.

Between men and women, it was a little more complicated, but basically, I believed the more attractive, more confident person would always be in charge. I believed this mainly because of how badly my last girlfriend had hurt me. She was tall, beautiful, really nicely built, blonde haired and blue eyed -  the most confident woman I'd ever known. She knew what she wanted in life, from work, family, and even hobbies, and was working towards all of it with seemingly boundless energy. She was 2 years older than me.

We had an exciting relationship with lots of great sex for the first few months, long enough for me to decide I wanted this forever - and for her to decide she was ready to move on. I think she found my complacent satisfaction really boring, and she met a guy taller, more muscular, and (I imagined) better-hung than me. I noticed that she talked about him a lot, but I never guessed that she'd hook up with him, much less end our relationship to be with him.

I had never been so hurt in my life. I was so attracted to her that I didn't notice that her feelings for me had changed. I had noticed we were having less sex, and that she didn't seem as glad to see me at the end of the day, but I put that down to stress from her work.

I'd always had a kinky side, and I'd always been equally into being the dominant or being the submissive in my fantasies. Both turned me on in different ways. But now, after being dumped, I started feeling very low, and only submissive fantasies turned me on, mainly kissing female ass and being cheated on. The other guy didn't figure in my fantasies at that time. Any time I thought of him, I daydreamed about "revenge", like stealing his girlfriend (my one consolation for being dumped was that he almost immediately dumped my (ex-) girlfriend for another girl!), or getting in a fight with him and beating the crap out of him.  It was especially satisfying to think about him getting kicked in the balls!

I'd have liked to see this happen to that guy!

From then on, when I thought of dominance and submission, it always had a certain logic to it. I believed that all tall women, and all attractive women, were dominant. Guys with bigger dicks were always dominant, I believed, and guys with smaller dicks were always submissive. The taller, more muscular guy had to be dominant. Taller, more muscular guys always had bigger dicks. These things seemed obvious,

After a long time on my own, I met a sexy woman and ended up almost marrying her (she wanted kids but I wasn't willing to have kids yet). She was tall, and blonde haired / blue eyed. But she wasn't confident, or aggressive, or dominant in any way. She encouraged ME to be dominant, and she introduced me to giving her anal sex in a dominant way. The more she wanted me to be dominant, the more I wanted to be dominant.

I had to rethink things a little, I started believing that confidence and aggressiveness, combined of course with the desire to dominate, were what made a dominant a dominant, not attractiveness or height or whatever.

Not long after she split up with me, I hooked up again with my best friend from high school, the one guy I had ever hooked up with, His dick was smaller than mine (not much shorter, but much significantly thinner than mine), and his balls were very small compared to mine. I also had a much better job, and education, than he did. I was more muscular, but he was slightly taller - and more than anything else he was just more sexually confident and aggressive. When I went to see him, armed with porno mags (just like when I'd "seduced" him in high school), he knew I wanted to sexually submit to him. He liked it. He took full advantage over the next few years, demanding lots of blowjobs (which I was always more than happy to give) and eventually even persuading me to let him fuck me, something I'd never even imagined. I resisted for months, and tried to get him to let me fuck him instead, but I finally gave in because I ended up overpowered - by my desire to submit to him.

After that experience, my understanding of submission and domination was more nuanced. I still believed that dominance was tied to confidence and aggressiveness, but I realized that submission could also be aggressive and confident in a way: after all, I'd seduced him into dominating me. Originally, he'd submitted to my desire for him to dominate me. If I hadn't started something, nothing would have happened. I had been a little afraid he might reject me, but I went for it anyway. Once I started it, he picked it up and ran with it, which was amazing.

With my wife, I led her both to dominating me, and to submitting to me.. My wife enjoys dominating, but she has almost never initiated it. She enjoys being dominated, too, but has hardly ever asked me to do that, either. Even while we're in a middle of session where she's supposed to be in charge, most of what happens is what I want to happen. I do love when she takes charge, but usually, I'm driving from the bottom - or driving from the top. Perhaps the most awesome thing of all the awesome things I could say about my wife, is that she almost always says, "Yes!" to whatever I propose, whether it's for me to submit to her, or dominate her. When she does say no, it's not actually "no", it's "not now". I always get what I want! 

So who then, is the dominant, and who's the submissive in this relationship?

I think the answer is that we both are dominant, and both submissive, because that's who and what we are - and also because that's what I want. I'm the more assertive, persuasive partner, and whatever I want usually ends up happening. I believe dominance and submission are separate from assertiveness and persuasion. I think thee are a lot of Dom/Sub relationships where the Sub drives pretty much everything that happens, but where the Dom is always in the dominant role.

I believe our desire for submission and/or dominance is, like sexual orientation, a more-or-less fixed part of us. Maybe that's true for leading and following, too.

Being attracted to both females and males, and being pretty much equally into both dominating and being dominated, I believe I have a unique perspective on this, I think both sexual orientation and desire for submission and/or domination, are on a continuum. There's the Kinsey Scale for sexual orientation. I'm a 2, which means I'm much more attracted to women, but I'm "more than incidentally" attracted to guys. I'm attracted to maybe 20-25 percent of women I meet, but only about 1 or 2 percent of guys, and even when I am attracted to a guy, I don't want the emotional intimacy, or kissing, or any other affectionate stuff - just to give, and maybe receive (if the guy's submissive), sexual gratification. Other people are more attracted to their own gender than I am, and some people are even less into same sex sex than I am (or not at all). Take your own Kinsey Scale test here: http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/.

Likewise, some people are more (or entirely) dominant, or submissive than me. Or neither submissive nor dominant. There's no rating scale as far as I know, but I believe there is a spectrum very much the same way there is for sexual orientation.

I believe we're the way we are because we're "wired" that way. Women, too. I tend to believe women are typically more flexible in their orientations than men, but then again, in my experience it always depends on the individual.

Penis size is somehow connected to all this. Maybe not for everybody, but definitely for me, and I believe for lots of other guys , too. Personally, I believe my cock is normal, average, medium. Maybe a little above average in length and thickness. There are plenty of guys with bigger cocks than mine (although I've never seen a bigger one in real life), and many more guys with dicks smaller than mine. I feel generally submissive towards guys with bigger dicks than mine, and sometimes I feel a strong desire to indulge that submissiveness. I've been taunted and teased by guys with bigger dicks (or at least they claimed to have bigger - this was online) - and I loved it.

I always want to dominate guys with smaller dicks. It especially turns me on when they want to submit to me. I've had a few small-dick online "slaves" and "worshipers" over the past couple of years and it's a huge turn-on. I'd love to act out the fantasies I shared with those guys, abusing and being submissively pleasured by them. The only thing better would be to fuck a small-dick guy's wife! I love the idea of totally satisfying her, making her scream and cum like she's never done before, and then having her tell her little dick cuck husband all about it. Or fucking her like a stallion in front of him. Mmmmm.

I believe this is another spectrum, with some guys believing they have little dicks, and that their small penis size makes them inferior to better-endowed men, and some men believing that they have big dicks, which (they believe) make them superior to smaller-dicked guys. And I'm sure some other men must be like me: in the middle. And I'll bet lots of guys don't buy into the big dick = better concept at all.

Now I'm thinking my paintball buddy well may have had a little dick and a desire to submit to a bigger guy. Rumor had it was gay, or at least bi. He was definitely submissive - assertively submissive. I wish I could have a do-over. If that incident happened again today, I would have taken him home and had some fun with him. I'm pretty sure that guy have gone home with a stomach full of my sperm!


No sex today. It was a welcome break, although I did touch myself more than a little. The thought of a shapely female ass right in front of me turned me on more than anything else. I had the house to myself for a short while today, and manged to get a fairly good cock selfie (I guess). I was almost fully hard when I clicked the shutter. I may play around with it some more the next chance I get. I mean, play around with the photo. I will definitely play around with my cock!

I could stay here all day...

What do you think? Who drives things in your relationship? Who's dominant, and who's submissive?

Do you think submission and domination are "hard-wired"?

What role does dick size play in all this for you?

Did you ever pass up the chance to dominate (or be dominated)?